Let go of the illusion of control
On not trying to force, expect or knowing the outcome - and why that's freeing.
As an anxious person, I find myself gasping for control all the time. Control is a way anxious people find to calm their nervous system down, because having control means you know the outcome. And as being anxious is mostly about worrying of how things will turn out, anxious people get very caught up in controlling outcomes in life.
In the day to day this control might expose itself as perfectionism, as pragmatism, as stubbornness. In relationships, an anxiously attached person may become demanding, controlling, easily hurt, an overthinker.
But control is just an illusion. No matter how hard one might try to swerve outcomes into ones they like, these outcomes are not only dependent on them, but on a collective of factors and people. Control is immaterial and illusory, and as much as we might believe there are some things we do have control over, those are still circunstancial. This might be a challenging thought, but it is true.
Ellen Langer coined ‘The Illusion of Control’ - The tendency for people to believe they can control or influence outcomes that they objectively cannot. Langer showed that even in random or chance-based situations, people often behave as if their actions have a direct impact on outcomes. One of her studies included lottery tickets: Some participants picked their tickets and some were given tickets at random. Later on, participants had a chance to exchange their tickets with one another for a higher chance of paying out. The study showed the participants who picked their ticket were more reluctant to partake in the exchange. Objectively, the chance to win the lottery is random, but the belief of control made those who picked their ticket think their choice affected the outcome.
In relationships, an anxiously attached person will try to act in a way their brain thinks will reward a certain reaction from the other person. They will try to maneuver people’s minds with their actions, often trying to convince dating prospects of heading in a certain direction instead of letting things unfold naturally. Again, this behaviour comes from having a set outcome in their mind, but these outcomes can’t be predicted or manipulated, because people have free-will, because ultimately - it does take two to tango. This creates a cycle of expectations, attachment and frustration, even in early stages of dating.
Langer’s work suggests that feeling in control is often more important to humans than actually being in control, and I do agree with that. The question is not if we should enjoy feeling in control, because it is obvious we will. However, chasing the constant feeling of control is where we lose ourselves, because it is unrealistic, and it will make life a constant frustration. And for those who are anxious, it will exacerbate your condition - I speak from experience.
It is very hard to let go of trying to control things. Personally, my journey letting go of control has just started. I’d say I’m in the awareness phase: I understand my inclination to try to control situations, I can spot how it manifests in my behaviour, I acknowledge it does me more harm than good, and I’m actively trying to unlearn this pattern.
Giving up on trying to control outcomes is allowing yourself to be free. It is allowing yourself to not have the blame of different results in your hands, because you never set a specific result - but rather analysed a range of possible results. It is allowing yourself to enjoy the present, without worrying about the future. It is allowing yourself to savour short moments of pleasure, without worrying about its withdrawals. It is letting go of unnecessary frustration and ache.
Don’t be mistaken, you should take charge of your life, you should act intentionally to walk the path that takes you to your goals, but after you do act, let go of controlling the outcome, because it is, quite literally, out of your hands.
